Feel Like Giving Up

March 16 - July 6, 2023

I'm an adult

And I'm still not ready yet

The faceless among the faces

Facing the still unknown

Chewed myself like paper

Beaten myself like punching bags

The blame is no one's but mine alone

Homework unfinished

Money outdated

Clothing sweated on

Mouth unwashed

Dirty words unforgotten

Room uncleaned

Behavior unchecked

Like a baby I cry

My worries grow

Insecure front to back

Everything is difficult

Everything is terrifying

It all makes me anxious

Far too under pressure

Cuss words everywhere

Excuse after excuse

Pinning the blame on anyone

Only to realize I'm horribly wrong

Calling myself an idiot

And trying to change my mind

After all these years

I wonder why I kept my mouth shut

And I don't know who to blame

For anything that I am now

I was a happy kid

Learning truly next day after another

Always going forward

Not without a silly stern

But that was nothing to me

But then it truly happened to me

5th grade arose

And met her

The teach of whom I thought I'd get along

But then I knew she wasn't all that smart

Like all about autism and anything

She kept putting me down

Impatience and names ensue

No idea I was any different

Ignorant of my now ever-growing anxiety

With my old self already gone

I couldn't study

I couldn't think

She was the center of it all

And I couldn't escape her

Months and months later

Up on the walks where I go

Some homeless guy takes my cash

The threat is a punch

His real personality showing

Leaving me frightened

Restless and traumatized

My trust broken with people

Still haunting me

And I kept quiet ever since then

It's been just thoughts to myself

All talks to myself

I'm now a different me

Then my family

They're my only source

Of anything that was left of me

And now everyone's upset

For what I truly don't know why

Can never keep a reasonable conversation

Without a simple trivial thing

Or my incompetence

And there goes a frown

Awful words taken to heart

All because nobody tries

To help me get any better

To fix anything I screwed up

And now I grow more weary

Of everything that they taught me

I keep telling myself that I can't do it

That I'm not good enough anymore

I can't stop it

I can't snap out of it

I just keep doing it

I just keep on going and going

Years and years of torment

Years and years of trouble

Years and years of forgetfulness

Years and years of worthlessness

Years and years of nothingness

I don't know why

Nor do I care anymore

I'm still sitting here

Right in front of the screen

Watching as the scenes go by

What's right and what's wrong

The world's crumbling down

Day by day and night by night

It's all chaotic nonsense

It's the way I see it

And I feel delusional

Yet I keep watching it

The screen's my only escapism

From all my problems

And I know it's not a solution

But I don't have a choice

Otherwise I can't keep coping

Being the same kid I ever was

Only ever growing more isolated and worried

Afraid to do anything

Else how will I succeed

It's starting up

I'm at my age

I want to man up

Like everyone else

The future has no mercy

It told me to start living

Just be myself

And leave everything else behind

But I'm not ready

I'm afraid

I don't know what to do

World's not waiting for me

If I'm not growing up

It's over for me

I'm a sore loser

Everything I wanted

It's all thrown away

I look at the people

Doing their things

Being themselves

Living their best lives

Then I look at myself

I'm a nobody

I have nothing

I keep tumbling around

Not a single thought

About what I truly want

Just whatever I keep thinking about

The cute and the whimsical

The interesting and the entrancing

The grim and the horrific

The awkward and the annoying

All in between

I want to grow up

To leave all this behind

And focus on the future

Yet here I am

At 21 years old

And I still don't have enough legs to stand on

Still the days go by

On and on and on

Tomorrow never comes

Until it's too little too late

What else could I ask for